I am just so sick of myself. Life is not great out there. Been struggling all the times and yet I still alive and keep up each breath it takes. I hate myself for being that weak. My life is keeping up as a shadow behind people foot steps. Each of those steps mark inside my heart with tiredness, hateful, sadness and blindless. Or am i just another of the reflection from the mirror. I look at the mirror and saw a stranger woman gaze back at me. I found the ugliness image I could ever imagine. I couldn't see any light into the eyes of that woman. I try to reach out and touch the soul and I found nothings there. The soul of the woman felt like been capture into the window of frame. I look deep again at the empty eyes of the stranger and I suddenly comes to realize I no longer recognize myself. I was that sad woman, dim with darkness. I look at the mirror again and finally I saw a watery gaze greet me. Perhaps this is my destiny to be trap into the reflection of window whereby there wasn't any escape. This is a self made prison. Than I slowly turn away and doesn't want to look at the mirror.
Suddenly the alarm go off. I hit the snozze. I drift myself wander away from this misery again?
I look at outside from my window. Sigh.... is been raining out there for few days and been keeping up as usual. The gloomy cloudy and the drizzling sound make the heart cold and the mood slipping away. I wonder it is the “shining and glowing weather spell already gone and replaced by the gloomy rain?” I can’t seem to think or create any stories or headlines to go for. I was out of ideas of what should I blab off. Nothing seems to amuse me and nothings seem to attract my attraction. I felt bored all the times. But than again, I keep on thinking of one of my friends said to me “Why your world is so grey? Can’t you think to write something to makes the world out there happier?” Those words have been reflecting on my mind for few days. Why I focus myself into a negavite point. Where is the positive of the life gone? I sigh again for whole day and finally I open my laptop and write the signature of today things.
In a puff of smoke, cigarette and drinking a glass wine from the bottle of 2005 Miguel Torres Santa Digna Sauvignon Blanc has accompany my whole evening. I have let my thoughts wander around. I puff again. The clouds I puff seem to represent my soul away from my body. Some of my dear friends make remarks of my new puff. They said puff until you smoke yourself to death and I was laughing to those jokes and the care of my health. I knew one puff of it; I have leaded my life into a new welcome of hell. But why should we want a longer life when there wasn’t any happy thing around your life.
Smoking is as much a psychological pleasure as it is a physiological satisfaction. I can’t explain why I have those senses of satisfaction. Each times, I puff out the smoke, I wander where is those smoke gone too. For now my eyes gaze to the other side of the window outside my house. I was looking at the stars which look so illumination at night. I wonder if this a God creation? If the God can made the world so beautiful why he didn’t answer my pray? Why God choose to ignore me. Or the God is too busy to notice me down here waiting for him to lead me into his world. Sigh, I took another puff and furious of myself for blaming unfortunate things to god. I know God is a belief. I should know the world out there, God does not exist. I took another sip of wine and wanted to drink myself to sleep. It seems today night is hard to go on……..
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